Trending: The worst toilets in football, Martin Keown takes a ball in the face and Lionel Messi at 10

Some might say that this title is nothing to be proud of, but wait until you hear the reward that's on offer:

?100,000. ?100,000!

That's enough to buy you 1/500th of a Fernando Torres! (Or at his current market value: four of him).

Apparently Ebsfleet are being forced to invest the money in some better bogs, but chairman Phil Sonsara is still delighted, saying: "'The upgrade is desperately needed and the toilets are archaic.'

If you think he sounds a little bit too proud of himself then examine these words from an Ebsfleet spokesman:

"For Ebbsfleet the dream is nearly a reality."

Ah yes, that distant, hoperful dream that one day we'll have somewhere to urinate that's more than a vague ditch on the floor.

Sure times are tough, but when did our expectations plummet this low?

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TODAY ON YOUTUBE

ESPN's lovable persistence with pitchside podium presenting finally comes a cropper as Martin Keown takes an errant ball in the face as Leeds United warm up at the Emirates last night.

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CAPTION COMPETITION

Is it just us or did Thierry Henry come back to Arsenal looking a whole lot scarier?

Tweet your caption suggestions in the direction of @TelegraphSport

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

Aye, well He might be in charge of England, but he?s still only the assistant coach of the West Park under-11s.

A not-at-all sour Yorkshireman on Stuart Lancaster. The new England head coach might find the experience of dealing with children useful in his new role.

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SLIPPED HALO

Mustafa Ameen (right) would seem a lot more innocent if he'd positioned himself to the left of Wladimir Klitschko in this picture:

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SPORTING SMACKDOWN

Rugby referee and occasional stand-up comic Nigel Owens reminds Treviso scrum half Tobias Botes of which game he's playing:

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CHANGING TIMES

Joey Barton ranting on Twitter is, unfortunately, nothing new. But it seems like the QPR midfielder has learned humility, of sorts:

If ur English, u play for England. If ur English and s***, u pretend ur Irish grand parentage matters to u and play for Ireland! I'd rather have my 1 England cap and be forever yearning rather than take somebody from that country's chance away because my nan's from there and I'm not good enough to play for the country I'm from. Bore off. Play for the country ur from, if ur not good enough like me, work harder

Also noteworthy is Barton's apparent transformation into a fortysomething babysitter:

Sitting down for lunch in Harrods, the boy is a kip and I have a cup of tea in hand. Heaven!!.

"Heaven!!"?! Crikey Joey, you'll be relaxing with a Jilly Cooper and a glass of sherry in no time at this rate.

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THE BOY'S A BIT SPECIAL

Does anyone know what happened to this promising 10-year-old named Lionel Messi?

Source: http://telegraph.feedsportal.com/c/32726/f/568360/s/1badb5b3/l/0L0Stelegraph0O0Csport0C90A0A35510CTrending0EThe0Eworst0Etoilets0Ein0Efootball0EMartin0EKeown0Etakes0Ea0Eball0Ein0Ethe0Eface0Eand0ELionel0EMessi0Eat0E10A0Bhtml/story01.htm

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